The day started just like any other Wednesday. I woke up to the blaring of my alarm, and then I immediately overwhelmed my senses by putting my phone directly in front of my face to update myself on whatever horrible things are happening to the country. I had no messages to respond to, but what else is new. I sleepily stumble to the coffee pot, stopping to pet my cat, promising to feed him as soon as I have caffeine in my bloodstream. After I am properly caffeinated, and my cat is fed, I realize what day it is. 

I have been doing my best not to tip anybody off about my plans, the fewer people that knew, the better, and the answer of people that knew was easy to remember… zero. Well, one if you count me, but most people don’t count me. That’s why I was so perfect for this. No one would expect me to do such a thing, but to them, I say “ha.” Or maybe I say some better thought out phrase of valor. Who knows, I never claimed to be an evil mastermind after all. 

What is it that I’m doing? Well, that’s a great question, I’d love to tell you. I am saving Southwestern University’s Fine Arts Building. The building has been taken over by a sinkhole, cracks in the foundation, and an absurd amount of mold. Wait… Mabee I shouldn’t have said that. Oh well, this is anonymous after all. What are they gonna do, not let me donate 5 million dollars?? Trombley should be thankful. Well, it’s not a sports ball stadium so I’m not sure how thankful she’s gonna be, but I know my fellow weirdos and outcasts will be thankful. The weirdos and outcasts are always thankful when you save their sinking home. At least that’s what happens in the films. 

Now, you may be wondering to yourself, what gave me the inspiration to do such a thing. To that, I say the anonymous poster on YikYak. You see, I was doing my alumni scroll through YikYak and I saw a daily post about saving the FAB, and I thought to myself “this could be my one true act of heroism.” I was moved by a YikYak post, okay. It’s not some glamorous story, but it’s the truth, and here at The Megaphone, we only tell the truth. 

Finally, you may be wondering how I ended up with such a large amount of money. It’s actually a great story. Once I graduated from Southwestern I went on to – MIND YOUR BUSINESS. It is not kind to ask people where they came up with their funds. Jeez, you must be a Pike, some manners you have. 

Yes, I decided to remain anonymous, I like the quiet life I live, and besides, I don’t think my name would look very good on a building. It’s about the little things in life, like donating 5 million dollars without the expectation of anything in return. I hope you all hang onto this mindset on this upcoming Giving Day (April 22). Please, your student orgs need it in order to #besouthwestern. 

Well, that’s all from me.

Sincerely, The Savior Of The FAB