To anyone who says all water tastes the same…

My friends and I are too old for trick-or-treating. So, this Halloween, instead of sampling candy, we decided to taste-test water bottle brands!! 

Aquafina:

I wasn’t aware of it before, but this water is flavored! The slightly bitter tang of BPA chemicals acquaints the palette at first sip. 

Southwestern junior Abbey Archer remarked, “Aged, but not like fine wine.” 

I have to agree. The unpleasant tinge of plastic left lingering on my taste buds causes me to rate this one a 2/10. 

Body Armor:

This water gets a negative rating because it actually stripped the moisture from my tongue. My friends and I did not appreciate this water’s ironic, yet undeniable, drying effect. I presume this could be a marketing tactic, to trick unassuming customers into purchasing more of this reverse-effect water. Customers are sure to buy another bottle once thoroughly quenched from the first one. 

Abbey Archer noted: “It lacks the slimy aftertaste required for a water to be hydrating.” 

“It’s sponging away my saliva,” Ash Delias observed. 

We discovered that sipping through the sports cap, for whatever reason, gives the illusion of effective hydration. However, this water still forces you to swallow your own saliva, so, I am giving it a – 2/10. 

Comm’s Water (Water from the Commons):

My friends and I all agreed this one tastes like faucet water. 

Abbey Archer used one word to describe it – “Humble.” 

I found that it tasted like drinking water that had been sitting stagnant in metal pipes. Despite its distinctive metallic kick, comm’s water tasted the most authentic out of all the waters we sampled. This water left zero trace of chemicals on my tongue, winning it a 7/10 rating. 

CORE:

On the bottle (which we collectively agreed looked like a bottle of laundry detergent), CORE Hydration claims to provide “electrolytes and minerals for taste.” The suspiciously, overly prominent taste of these added electrolytes and minerals causes me to question whether or not CORE is trying to mask the true flavor of their water. Moreover, I would argue that these additions contribute to an artificial, off-putting flavor. CORE gets a 6/10.

Cove water:

This water tastes like it came from a cardboard box – but not like the trendy, sustainable boxed waters you may find at ACL. It tastes like dusted-over, cardboard storage boxes found in an attic. Taking that into consideration, this water deserves no higher than a 5/10 rating. 

Dasani:

Dasani has always been a safe go-to for me. It tastes almost nostalgic – like the rainwater you caught on your tongue as a kid. Plus, the bottle is 100% recyclable! Giving this one a 9/10. 

Fiji:

This brand gets a 9/10, as well! Fiji is well-suited for sophisticated palettes. It has floral notes, which makes it taste perfumey – like resort water. My friends and I enjoyed sipping on this pristine, tropical water sourced directly from the island of Fiji. 

Ozarka:

My friends and I were surprised to find we enjoyed the flavor of this brand…at first. We allowed the fridge-chilled bottle to acclimate to room temperature before tasting it again. There it was – the all too familiar plastic-y edge. We recalled from our blazing hot, Texan childhood summers that when you leave this brand in the car for longer than fifteen minutes, the bottle melts into the water. I, personally, do not trust drinking liquified plastic bottles, so I’m giving Ozarka a 5/10.

Smart Water:

I didn’t get anything out of this one. It didn’t make me feel smarter either. 3/10.

Next time you’re in the supermarket, about to purchase a bottle of water bottle, I hope you keep  these reviews and ratings in mind. Water quality is of the utmost importance to one’s life. Similarly, the next time you and your friends decide to grab a bite at the Commons or the Cove; I hope you  remember to carry along with you your faithful, trusty water bottle of choice. Life is too short to drink water that has lingering tastes of mildewy cardboard and plastic chemicals!