COVID-19, aside from being one of the worst humanitarian crises of our generation, has long been dubbed “God’s curse on beautiful people”. In a society filled to the brim with beautiful people, where everyone you pass on the streets seems to glow from within, the blight of masks has forced this beauty to be shielded behind dull, dreary face coverings. Dazzling smiles are hidden behind camo-print masks, noses behind ugly surgical blue, chins behind “Jesus 2020” and “I Love My Dog”. Morale has plummeted as we are forced to view beauty through screens only, weary fingers tapping like buttons as we slowly forget what it’s like to gaze upon a shining face.

With thousands of Covid vaccines rolling out every day and community immunization increasing by the minute, there’s finally a light at the end of the tunnel. However, people have begun to fear what the world will be like once we lose the masks. Will we grow uncomfortable with this new vulnerability and exposure? Will we lose the confidence that we once had in our lovely faces, so long hidden?

Fear not: we are now receiving news that not only are Covid vaccines saving countless lives and bringing us as a society closer to normalcy, but they are also making people scientifically sexier. In a study implemented by Pfizer scientists in February of 2021, they noticed that those who received the first dose of the vaccine reported a 20% increase in self-esteem, and that unvaccinated people saw these vaccinated individuals as “solidly more attractive” by upwards of 45%. There were no marked changes in that physical features were not altered in any way, but subjects were perceived by others as “remarkably sexier, almost unnaturally so” (as said one unvaccinated volunteer for the study). When subjects received the second dose, sexiness “skyrocketed”, and as one Pfizer scientist noted, “I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s the way they smile, maybe it’s the fact that they see themselves differently, but vaccinated individuals are objectively more attractive than unvaccinated individuals”. 

In a similar experiment conducted jointly by Moderna and Johnson and Johnson in which fully vaccinated individuals were introduced to unvaccinated individuals, 6 out of 10 introductions ended with a phone number exchange. In a related study where vaccinated individuals met other vaccinated individuals, 8 out of 10 interactions resulted in a dinner date, and one interaction resulted in a passionate make-out session poorly hidden behind a scientist’s clipboard. In addition, vaccinated individuals also reported a 28% increase in “laughter, eyelash batting, unbuttoned top buttons, and attraction to one’s own reflection”. 

While there is no conclusive evidence that any specific ingredient inside the vaccines is causing this unprecedented event, scientists from Pfizer are theorizing that it is “both a combination of the experience of being vaccinated” as well as the fine gold glitter that is included inside of the vaccine (although the stickers given with every vaccine could be addressed as a possible confounding variable). 

Anti-vaccine groups have begun to flood Facebook with cries that the vaccine is “infringing upon our right to be ugly”, according to one Facebook group named “Moms Against Cat Boys”. The common rhetoric coming from these groups is that the unasked-for side effects of the vaccine are harmful to a society that grows increasingly more attractive, thus moving away from the god-honoring fundamentalist ideals of unsexiness. “These people today are just too darn sexy,” says Candance Owens, widely known conservative talking head; “How will we protect ourselves? How will we resist the temptation that Pfizer and Moderna shove down our throats every day?” 

In response, a widespread movement that is now being known as “The Vaccinated Sl*ts” is taking to the streets, and people of all ages and gender are shaking booty and popping champagne (safely masked, of course) to usher in “The Age of the Sexy”. Their anthem? “Body” by Megan thee Stallion. Their goal? To convince everyone in the world to take the vaccine, free their faces, and embrace their inherent sexiness.

The fact is, we may never know what makes these vaccines have the effect that they do on individuals; all we know is that science speaks for itself, and society will be a brighter place once we are finally rid of Covid-19 for good, and we can once again feel the sun on our beautiful noses and chins.

Happy April Fools Day!