Mondays Have Been Cancelled by Popular Demand
By: Meret Pavlina
Mondays are widely considered the worst day of the week. The identity of the person to blame for the terrible invention of Mondays is unknown but he or she was, without a doubt, a truly evil individual.
Last week, in a true triumph of American democracy, the Monday Removal Act was passed, officially revoking Mondays throughout the United States. The bill passed with almost unanimous support in both federal and local governments.
The concept for the Monday Removal Act was initially born as a result of the tumultuous events throughout the last year. A recent poll suggests that over 72% of those interviewed felt that 2016 was the worst year in living memory, due to what occurred in the political world, various tragedies in the U.S. and abroad, and the deaths of many beloved, iconic celebrities. The year even started on a low note. Only ten days into 2016, David Bowie, one of the great artists of our time, was taken from us and, as if his death had disrupted the balance of the universe on a very basic level, it only went downhill from there. All in all, the past year was exhausting and stressful for everyone involved, and starting each week with the atrocity that Mondays are the last thing needed. Thus, when an Oklahoma Senator proposed the Monday Removal Act, it was greeted with a standing ovation and a massive positive response from the public.
Although the logistics of actually implementing the Monday Removal Act are yet to be fleshed out, polls across the country have confirmed that American citizens are overwhelmingly in support of its establishment. It is expected to be implemented in Texas by summer of 2017, and thus will begin affecting the students of Southwestern in the coming fall semester. Of course, all classes which take place on Mondays will be moved to days of the week still in existence.