Breaking: Stress Beard Engulfs Campus
By: Shanna Lucas
GEORGETOWN, TX- Midterm week is always a stressor for college students. Just a week before Spring Break, an extreme example of this came in the form of hair. Daryl Roberts, 19, a devoted student at Southwestern University was highly involved in student activities and academics. However, as Midterm week approached, Roberts realized his commitments were all too much for his schedule. Roberts had been pulling all-nighters for a few days and began to lose track of his health and frankly, his abnormal growth of facial hair. Classmates, including Roberts were too involved in their studies to notice the now copious amounts of hair he possessed. Roberts never leaving the library to actually take care of himself hadn’t looked in the mirror in three days. Inhabiting the most obscure nook of the library, Roberts soon found himself constricted by his own facial hair. Unable to audibly express his predicament, Roberts soon perished. Since the library was closed over Spring Break, no one noticed the tsunami of 5 o’clock shadow that now consumed the library. On the morning of March 21st, Theresa Stockholm, a Southwestern librarian, proceeded to open the library for the day. Little did she know upon opening the doors, she would unleash a monstrosity that would terrorize the entire campus.
Within minutes, the now mobilized beard had already gone through the freshman dorms, a dog, President Burger, the Kurth Ghost, and the entirety of the Southwestern campus. Help soon arrived after Georgetown inhabitants heard the muffled screams of the university’s students who stayed over Spring Break. The police and emergency respondents were unaware of the severity of the situation and the only solution was to call in the National Guard.
In five days’ time, the National Guard provided vigorous disaster relief, retrieving students, faculty, that one dog. When asked to comment on the situation, President Burger stated, “I believe this experience has helped us to effectively fail in order to better ourselves as a university”. Confused by this comment, reporters turned their attention to the forensic analysis performed on the beard. After unravelling the tangled mess of hair, investigators traced the beard back to Roberts. The autopsy report determined that the primary stimulant of the beards growth was in fact, not stress, but energy drinks. There is now a petition to outlaw energy drinks in not only Texas, but the entirety of the United States. Since the petition has not trended locally in Georgetown, Applebee’s decided to take matters into their own hands and retweeted the petition on Twitter sparking outrage and support from the robots that follow Applebee’s. The drinks have now been outlawed in two countries, The United States and the smallest country in Africa, Gambia. There is also a petition to change the school’s mascot from the Pirates to the mutton chops.
Students are still finding hair from the beard in their food and scattered across campus and expect to be finding the remnants of this hairy incident for years to come. While energy drink consumption has not gone down people will forever remember Robert’s and his lusciously dangerous stress beard.