By: Bobby Meyer

A typo was recently discovered in the message sent out by President Burger’s office in February announcing the increase in cost for the 2016-2017 academic year. Specifically, the 34% price increase planned by the University was mistakenly presented as a 3.4% increase. Due to the long delay between announcing the increase and finding the typo, the administration has decided to restructure its budget and only charge 3.4% more rather than surprise students and parents with the original 34%.

“We made a mistake, and we’re owning up to it,” said Biggs Pender, the lead architect of next year’s budget. “While the revenue we hoped to bring in would have gone directly into improving our students’ education and the university as a whole, we can’t expect anyone to pay so much more than they were told they would have to. Therefore we’re going to stand by the letter sent out in February and cut back many of the expenses planned for next year.”

The planned 30% increase in tuition and 4% increase in room would have made the average cost of attendance for 2016-2017 just under $65,000. The added revenue this would bring to Southwestern would have been spent on improvements including a more reliable Wi-Fi network, a noiseless replacement for the recorded bird noises, an expanded fleet of Pirate Bikes too big to hide in Lord Center, and other remedies to student grievances. The new budget includes none of these and accounts only for inflationary increases to current expenses.

Upon learning of the original budget and price increase, many students and parents expressed relief with the reduced 3.4% rise in costs. While many students said they would have enjoyed the planned improvements, many also felt that without more financial aid they would struggle to afford their Southwestern education.

“As much as I’d like to access the internet whenever I want, it’s not worth the ridiculous amount [the university] wanted to charge,” opined Sophomore Sandie Berners. “If the 34% increase went through, it would be prohibitively expensive for everyday people. Southwestern would become a school for spoiled rich kids.”

Although the new budget accounts for inflation, some doubt that the additional revenue will be enough to balance Southwestern’s expenses. To make up for a possible deficit, administrators have announced that a draft will be instated for next year’s alumni Phonathon.  

“There was no feasible way to cut costs, not even by replacing PARROT with dial-up internet,” said Pender, “so the next best option was to draft as many student callers as possible and balance the budget by asking alumni for donations.”

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical piece published as part of our April Fools’ edition in The MegaphOnion.