The Monstrance Demands Classier Offerings
Photo By: Erica Cheng
By: Devon Bradley
The most wonderful time of the year is almost upon us again: finals week. You probably thought by this point, you would have caught on to the material in lecture. Calculating the grade you need on your final to pull off a passing grade in the class or just completely ignoring the problem at hand like most of us do, you decide you should probably attempt something resembling studying in the days leading up to your first exam. You take some extra fruit from The Commons and leave it in front of the ‘Monstrance for a Grey Horse’ statue at the entrance of the library, praying that somehow, you will be able to pull out a good grade in the class. As you prepare to live in your favorite study room for the next few days trying to learn an entire semester’s worth of material, you feel your anxiety ease a bit, knowing that the horse statue has got your back during this stressful time. After running through your supply of Red Bull and whatever food you have left in your fridge since you used all of your dining dollars back in March, you leave one last orange in the eye of Monstrance, again hoping for good luck and hopefully a good grade on your final.
However, this finals season, “Monstrance for a Grey Horse” has had enough. We spoke with Monstrance about his status as an outlet for stressed and nervous students.
“I am a world renowned piece of art examining the meaning and impact of nuclear technology on mankind, not a fairy godmother to make academic wishes come true,” Monstrance said.
He cites April Fools’ as the day that changed his artistic purpose on campus.
“One April Fool’s, a group of students thought it would be funny to leave offerings of food at my feet, saying it would bring good luck to desperate students on their final exams. It was never supposed to turn into this. The next thing I knew, people started to turn it into a tradition. Initially I thought it was just an overplayed April Fool’s joke but then it started happening all year round. Do I ever get to eat any of the food? The squirrels usually get to the fresh items first, leaving me with nothing but rotten fruit.”
Monstrance reveals that there is some truth to the bizarre tradition.
“Due to the live nuclear material that actually resides in me, I am able to grant certain requests pertaining to student performances on exams. If you don’t believe me, Google it,” Monstrance said. “These increased feelings of confidence are not just the delusional effects of prolonged exposure to radiation. I can actually help students achieve the grades they desire on their final exams.”
However, Monstrance expressed his earnest wishes for more practical offerings this finals season.
“I expect more than just fruit from Southwestern students. I want to suggest some more appropriate offerings, if you must leave them, that may buy some favor with my divine connections such as the likes of Jesus Christ, Grumpy Cat, and Cthulhu. Students may start leaving crisp 100 dollar bills, 40 inch flat screen television sets, their Playstation 4/XBox 1 with unopened copies of Fallout 4, or their cars,” Monstrance said. “I will also accept $25 gift cards to Starbucks or a student’s entire supply of Red Bull/study aids. Trust me, I need help staying awake, especially when some yahoos show up at 3 in the morning.”
Monstrance was particularly clear about one thing: no bananas or apples.
At the conclusion of our interview, he also mentioned that students, in especially dire consequences, may wear a horse head mask in the 24 hours leading up to their exams, not taking it off under any circumstances, will receive priority and the highest marks on their exams.
Editor’s Note: This is a satirical piece published as part of our April Fools’ edition in The MegaphOnion.