Academics Slipping At SU: Single Student Named to Dean’s List
Photo by: Erica Cheng
By: Clara McMichael
Three years ago, Southwestern University hired a new president, Dr. Daniel Hotdog, from New York, with the hope that he would manage to do the unthinkable and create a culture of academically-driven students order to inch Southwestern higher on the Princeton Review Best College List.
After a few semesters that seemed promising, academics at Southwestern have sunk to an all-time low.
The nadir of Southwestern’s academic underachievement manifested in a letter emailed to many students and parents, saying that Christopher – and only Christopher – had made the University’s Dean’s List.
“I hope that you and your family enjoy the honors that you have received,” Dr. LeeAnn Slider, Dean of the Faculty wrote within the letter – showing blatant favoritism toward Christopher and his relatives.
The student body was outraged, and the letter sparked protests. Students marched from Bishop’s Lounge to the President’s House, while burning printed out copies of the email and chanting unintelligibly.
“It was hurtful enough that I didn’t make the Dean’s List,” sophomore Sarah Hethershaw said. “But I don’t understand why they had to rub it in by sending us the email to Christopher.”
Slider had the answer to Hethershaw’s question.
“Dr. Hotdog and I discussed this – the email to Christopher was intended to be a last- ditch effort to get students to improve their academic standing at Southwestern,” Slider said, “A sort of reverse psychology.”
Students were unconvinced by the administration’s response to the Christopher email, and have announced they are planning a second wave of protests. Some, choosing to remain anonymous, said they were planning on writing Christopher a strongly written letter.
Christopher agreed to an interview with the Megaphone, on the condition that his last name would not be published – he fears for his safety on campus.
“Yeah, I’m Christopher,” he said, confirming his identity. He refused to answer any other questions, citing his fear of violent eavesdroppers.
Editor’s Note: This is a satirical piece published as part of our April Fools’ edition in The MegaphOnion.