You read that right, I’m stuck under the Fine Arts Building. It started with a game of sardines among friends, and ended with me trapped. I was just trying to win, and my competitive side got the best of me, so now I’m under the building and I have no way to escape. I’ve tried, I really and truly have, but for some reason the giant crevice was easy to slip into and impossible to get out of. I don’t even know how long I’ve been under here. It could be an hour, or a day, or some undetermined amount of time in between. My only hope is the dirt doesn’t settle and my friends won’t rest until they find me. I fear they can’t even recruit a real adult because who would be stupid enough to get stuck under a building. If, and only if I get out of here, I will never live it down, and the fewer people that know, the better. 

You may be wondering what exactly it’s like under the FAB, and let me tell you, it’s stranger than you could ever imagine. First of all, there’s abandoned Pirate Cards. Everywhere. Every inch of the dusty ground is covered in Pirate Cards, new, and old, and faded. To no one’s surprise at all, there’s mold growing in every possible area. There’s so much mold, I can practically feel the migraine brewing. Sure, it’s just an allergy induced migraine… it’s induced by my allergy to mold, but whatever you say. Mold is just a part of Southern culture, remember? Truly the cornerstone of our community. Wait…what’s that in the corner?? Ah yes, seasonings taken from comms so every meal tastes the same, bland and greasy. Except for the cake for some reason, which is just sad and dry. Also buried is the sense of joy and whimsy in the buildings on campus. Things used to be fun, and colorful, and now it’s just 50 shades of neutrals. There’s so much to take in, I can’t even begin to describe it all. Carved into a beam, that obviously isn’t doing much, is “Sweet Surprise 2024-2025”. Freshmen these days will never understand that the real surprise was if we were gonna get one. You ate your churro and were happy that you even had the opportunity to consume non-Aramark sugar. 

This place seems like where hopes and dreams go to perish, but there is a thing I was not expecting. Readers, there is a gremlin that lives under the FAB. Not gonna lie, when I first saw him, my life flashed before my eyes, but maybe that was just an effect of the mold. In the not yet determined amount of time I’ve spent down here, I’ve actually gotten to know a lot about him. Okay, that’s a lie, I don’t speak gremlin, but he seems like a nice enough guy. He nodded at me and went back to his corner, so really I have nothing bad to say. I must say, he is vaguely horse shaped and has a banana on his head… huh, weird coincidence. He could’ve been worse, and he could’ve had a bad haircut, because those seem pretty prominent here. 

Readers, if this is the last you hear from me, just know I have been consumed by the FAB. To my professor, I think I might be missing the exam on Thursday. To my friends, don’t get stuck in here trying to save me, no one likes a self-sacrificing hero. Finally, to SUPD or Trombley or whoever is listening, get me out of here. I know final’s season is rough, but I’m starting to get bored. For me, for me you all must #besouthwestern.