By Claire Misfeldt and Camila Ramirez

Welcome to Beef vs. Feef (fake beef) where we go to diners, drive-ins and dives across America to try non-beef burgers. This is our first and only episode.

Claire Misfeldt can’t eat beef. She’s not a vegan, but after getting rid of red meat from her diet completely, her body can’t process it anymore. She learned that the hard way. She likes the Impossible Burger from Burger King, so she was excited to see it on the Cove Menu. She can’t always go off-campus to eat, so she decided to see if she would like it.

Camila Ramirez is a big beef boy. They were dragged into eating the Impossible Burger at the Cove by Claire.

This is their story…

Claire M. (CM): You ready to eat some feef?

Camila R. (CR): I’m scared of feef.  🙁

CM: You’ve never had fake beef, have you?

CR: Oh heck no. Never. Never ever. 

CM: Coward.

CR: You can’t judge me. I’ve been living by the beef for over 20 years. What if it tastes nasty?

CM: The Burger King Impossible Burger tastes good! And there’s just a huge market of fake beef, like the Beyond Beef Burger. Also really good!

CR: Yeah but it’s still not beef. I’m just worried that it’s gonna taste too much like veggies or like my brain and taste buds will go “this meat is incorrect”. I just don’t want to die. I’m too young. 

CM: Let’s just eat our burgers before they get cold. 

CR: Ok, but if I die….

They both take a bite of the burger. For a while they ponder at this Impossible Burger, thinking and absorbing the flavors. Think of the grape and cheese scene from Ratatouille.  With a firework of colors going off in the background. There’s something happening to their taste buds.

CM: That is a lot crunchier than I was expecting.

CR: Hm. It tastes a little bit like beef? I’m getting more of popcorn taste so that’s better than expected.  

CM: Fake beef still tastes like beef, but this tastes less like beef.

CR: Yeah definitely. 

CM: I can’t get over how crunchy this is. Real burgers aren’t this crunchy, right?

CR: Nope. They should be juicy and not crunchy. It might just be a little burnt, but hey that’s alright. It be like that sometimes. 

CM: You got cheese on yours, right?

CR: Yeah I got cheese! I always get cheese on my burgers, so this wasn’t gonna be an exception. I think it probably helped with my first time eating an impossible burger. 

CM: I guess if you’re vegan, you won’t be getting cheese on this. But this part of the review is for all the campus beef boys. That’s why I brought you here.

CR: I speak for the beef boys. Beef boys listen up! The Impossible Burger is not impossible to eat. I mean, real talk, I won’t seek this burger out again anytime soon, but that’s just me. It’s an okay burger, and hey, you might enjoy it more than me. 🙂

This has been Beef vs. Feef! The Cove edition! Stay tuned for when science finally creates good fake cheese!