Tide Pods: The Solution We Need!
DISCLAIMER: The Megaphone does not endorse eugenics nor the consumption of laundry detergent, and the views in this article are meant only for satirical purposes.
In the past month, Tide Pods have been in the news due to people consuming them in a new trend known as the “Tide Pod Challenge.” Major news networks, YouTube celebrities, and others have come out urging teens to avoid consuming the shiny, brightly-colored, alluring forbidden fruit that is the Tide Pod. Even Tide itself has joined forces with New England Patriot, Rob Gronkowski, to release an informational video warning people of the dangers posed by eating these alluring gems of swirly goo.
So what are the dangers of allowing someone to ingest Tide pods or other similar laundry detergent pods? In the long run, nothing at all!
Aside from young children, anyone who consumes detergent pods must lack the common sense to heed every word of caution given by media outlets, parents, and warnings placed on the very box of the pods. So why stop such inane actions of self harm? Do we really want anyone willing to consume detergent to remain in our society?
I would argue no. Allow the mechanisms of natural selection to run their course. Allow the genes that led to such stupidity to be eliminated from the gene pool and thus raise the average IQ of future generations. Even better, take it upon yourself to encourage friends and strangers to chow down on a delectable bowl of Tide pods. Unsure if your romantic partner meets the standards of intelligence you would expect out of a functioning adult human? Propose a three course detergent dinner! If they accept your challenge, then not only can you can be safe in the assumption that they aren’t the right match for you, but their likely death will eliminate the need for an awkward breakup.
I call this fresh innovative idea Tide Eugenics! If implemented correctly, it could greatly improve our society. Fewer mouths to feed, less competition for jobs, lower crime rates, and lower healthcare costs could be just some of the benefits of implementing Tide Eugenics. Just think of what we could accomplish if relieved of those foolish enough to eat shiny, brightly colored poison. I urge you to do your part in implementing Tide Eugenics today!
For a brighter tomorrow!
Article by: Landon Brown
Photo by: Sherlyn Ong
Original Publication: February 3,1018