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Marlboro Monsters: New Study Links Tobacco and Sin


Marlboro Monsters: New Study Links Tobacco and Sin


By: Meret Pavlina

The use of cigarettes and other tobacco products has long been a topic of great contention, here in the U.S. and worldwide. Most of this conflict has stemmed from the much debated effect of tobacco on physical health. While these concerns are serious, a recent study from Yale University has found conclusive evidence that cigarettes, undeniably, contain at least 66.6% pure, unadulterated sin.

For many decades, consuming tobacco was considered a normal, and even encouraged, facet of social interaction. Some ad campaigns during the early-to-mid 20th century even claimed their products were not only safe, but beneficial to bodily health. Eventually, public opinion concerning the tobacco issue shifted, and current consensus in the medical community agrees that the use of cigarettes is significantly detrimental to physical health, but if this new study is correct, the effect of cigarette’s on spiritual health may be much more serious. This new discovery might explain the unspoken cultural belief that cigarette smokers are somehow less trustworthy or less valuable than their tobacco-free peers. Studies even show that smokers are paid up to 20% less than non-smokers, even if they are equally qualified.

When asked what gave him the idea for the study, graduate student Benjamin “B.S.” Schultz was reported as saying, “I remember my mom always telling me that, if you saw someone smoking a cigarette, you knew they were no good. At first, I just thought it was because they’re physically unhealthy, but then I started to wonder: do they harm your moral health, as well?”

Schultz went on to tell the press how he formulated his hypothesis, acquired funding for the project by applying for a grant and, finally, began his work. At first, he focused on cigarette smokers, interviewing them about the first time they smoked a cigarette, how it became a habit, and how tobacco use has changed their daily lives.  

“I didn’t have much luck with that approach,” says Schultz. “No matter who I interviewed, I had trouble finding the link between moral depravity and tobacco use—it’s amazing how completely unaware the victims are of what they’re doing to themselves.”

After exhausting this vein, with no success, Schultz decided to turn to the source: the cigarette itself.

“We did testing on almost every brand that is sold internationally,” Schultz told the press. “We wanted to be as thorough as possible, so we can truly understand how these products are affecting people, and make the public aware of what they’re consuming—which, it turns out, is so much worse than anyone knew.”

Their results were truly chilling. After running an extensive battery of tests on almost a hundred varieties, Schultz and his team were shocked to discover that a large percentage of what makes up a cigarette is what can only be described as “pure sin.”

“It was like nothing we’d ever seen before,” Schultz recalls. “Honestly, I’m still shaken. I mean, we knew we were going to find something—we’ve been warned off cigarettes our whole lives—but when those tests came back I could hardly believe it. More than half of each cigarette is composed of some of the most pure sin my colleagues and I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. I’m just thankful we discovered it when we did, so we can prevent future generations from consuming such dangerous products.”

Sin, although the most alarming of their findings, was not the only concerning result of this study. Schultz and his team also discovered trace amounts of cat feces, what appeared to be human toenails, and several ancient Egyptian curses. How these ingredients came to be part of the manufacturing process may never be known, but the public owes Schultz, and his whole team, a debt of gratitude for uncovering the truth. Schultz has expressed his hope that his findings will teach future generations that, while smoking might look cool, the sin you’re consuming will inevitably land you in a very uncool place.