By: Natalie DeCesare

To Whom It May Concern:

As a representative of the Campaign for Academia Neutrality (CAN), I would like to invite your campus to explore CAN’s activism. Our team has helped countless higher education institutions transform their environments into Safe Spaces, and we believe your campus would benefit as well.

Safe Spaces refer to CAN’s trademarked solution to fix the confining and subjective atmospheres of inequality. This includes but is not limited to the use of gender-specific language, political partisanship, ethnic identity, and other categorizing identifications. Recent trends indicate that asking young adults to address themselves and others by labels severely stunts the maturation of the Frontal Lobe–the part of the brain responsible for higher cognitive functions, emotional expression, judgment, language, personality, and communication. The fact remains that college students under the age of 25 do not have a fully developed brain, therefore; it is a disservice to their education to expect them to communicate by distinctions in identity. Doing so confuses our otherwise bright students into feeling inadequate and attacked by societal norms.

The Safe Spaces program will provide your campus with a step-by-step guide to overhaul identity in three categories: spoken language, written language (like signs and names of bathrooms, buildings, ect.) and curriculum language. All students will receive a dictionary of neutral, Safe Spaces-approved words, participate in Safe Spaces conditioning series, and work with Safe Spaces representatives to select a temporary gender-neutral name to go by while they are on campus. CAN has received praise from other institutions for providing remarkable change, and we hope you will join them in a free trial of Safe Spaces.

If you have any questions, please email us at can@safespaces.com. Remember, you CAN have Safe Spaces for your students.

Respectfully,

Friend

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical piece published as part of our April Fools’ edition in The MegaphOnion.