By: CatHosch

“You kids don’t know how good you’ve got it,” said Anne Bonney, a senior citizen living in the retirement community outside Georgetown.

Bonney graduated when it was still scandalous for women to show their ankles. She met her husband in college and can’t understand why her great-grand niece hasn’t met their husband yet too.

Technology in assistance to academia is a new concept with which Bonney is skeptical. “Back in my day, we didn’t have all the smart things and the screens and the distractions,” explained Bonney. “When you wanted to know the square root of sixteen you used a pencil. When you wrote an essay and needed information you used books!”

Bonney was appalled to hear the football players were not being paid to join their team. “We paid our football players in the 80’s,” she retorted.

When she was contradicted with the fact Southwestern didn’t have a football team in existence in the 1980s, she was surprised.

“What do you mean, ‘Southwestern’!” she exclaimed. “I went to SMU!”

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical piece published as part of our April Fools’ edition in The MegaphOnion.