1. IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE BY LAURA NUMEROFF

Shallow and pedantic. Filled with more plot holes than Swiss cheese. I’m not gonna lie: I have a personal vendetta against this book. You know how many times I’ve been denied cookies just because they think “I’m gonna ask for milk.”? Well, no, Laura, I’m not gonna ask for a glass of milk because, unlike the protagonist of your so-called “book, I’m not an entitled imbecile. 

And why is it called “if you give a mouse a cookie”?I mean, it seems a little derivative to say that if you give any mouse a cookie, they’ll also ask for milk. If this was written by a component writer, it would be, “If you give a mouse a cookie, the mouse will probably be particularly reasonable, unless it’s this one particular mouse who is just kind of a jerk.  He comes into my house, drinks my milk, and demands I tell him a story.” I mean, if this book was written by a reasonable individual, the theobromine would just do the mouse in. God, we can only hope. 3/10

2. Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder

Is it the worst book in the world? No, of course not, but I’d challenge its place in your schools. I mean, should we feed our children books that give them unrealistic expectations about ‘owning a house’ or ‘still having prairies’?

3. Normal People by Sally Rooney 

Oh, sure, I see how it is. When Sally Rooney doesn’t include punctuation in her books, she’s being “bold” and “subversive,” but when I— a freshman writer at The Megaphone— don’t include punctuation, my articles don’t get published. Make it make sense. I once tried to publish an article about Aramark in the style of Infinite Jest, but they cut me off at page 1,500.

4. THE JUNGLE BY UPTON SINCLAIR

This book is very historically significant. Many credit Sinclair’s novel for inspiring higher standards in early 20th-century America, leading to regulations that forced food manufacturers to stop placing sawdust in their milk and serving spoiled and rotten meat. I don’t know if anyone has eaten at the comms lately, but I’m not entirely sure our friends at Aramark read this one….

5. The Megaphone October 2024 Print Edition

How about that pay raise now?

6. The Texas Driver Handbook, revised Jan 2022

I don’t care what this book says: I HAD THE RIGHT OF WAY. I was in the school zone, but the light wasn’t flashing! And c’mon, this was January 2023. Not just any day in January, but JANUARY 2ND. Kids shouldn’t be in school on January 2nd! That’s Run Up to the Flagpole and See If Anyone Salutes It Day! What are we doing, America? How can our children run up to the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it if they’re too busy being in classes? Let me tell you right here, Jimmy Carter is spinning in his grave at the state of things. And yeah, I rolled past the stop sign—sure, let’s talk about that. The real question we should ask, my fellow Americans, is if this so-called “Democratic” government of ours can come into my house and tell me that I have to stop MY car when THEY tell me. Should the government be able to tell me what to do with MY car, which I bought with MY money, that was gifted to me by MY parents? That I blackmailed MY former boss into giving me after catching him having an affair with his secretary? Do better, America.

7. ON THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES BY CHARLES DARWIN

Quack science. Prove me wrong, biology majors. Oglesby2@southwestern.edu

8. PROJECT 2025: The Conservative Mandate for America’s Future in Democracy, Leadership, and Politics by Taylor Reid and the Heritage Foundation

Full transparency, I saw the name Taylor Reid, and thought, hey “Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo? Daisy Jones and the Six, I love those books! It’ll probably be a good book”. Why she decided to go from writing emotional drama-based stories about characters modeled after real-life celebrities to attempting to dissolve the Department of Education, I haven’t the foggiest, but her fall off must be studied. 

9. STRANGE HUMAN FLESH-BOUND BOOK WRITTEN IN LATIN THAT OCCASIONALLY SCREAMS THAT I FOUND IN THE GRAVEYARD
You heard it here first folks, this leather-bound, human-flesh book with a cover looking suspiciously like a screaming human face is not the subversive hit BookTok promised it would be. It is downright mediocre. “Infinite power beyond your wildest demands” this and “the good Lord Asmodeus will favor you” that. I don’t know who this Asmodeus is, but he sure owes me a lot. The one good thing I can say is that it’s very engrossing. Every time I wake up, I literally can’t put it down. I usually wake up a few hours later in a graveyard, sweating and wearing some kind of ritual robe. I also can’t go into churches anymore without a burning sensation on my palms and forehead, but that might have more to do with my sludge metal record.