Disclaimer: this is a work of satire, please do not take it seriously. My tone is completely sarcastic. In fact, do the opposite of what I tell you to do here. 

Pirate bikes… a beloved feature of our Southwestern University community made even more 

beloved by their visibility all throughout campus. We’re all familiar with the little pang of guilt at scooting ourselves onto a recently abandoned bike, the quick sprints in and out of a building with the hopes that your bike will still be outside when you get back, the awkward maneuvering of limbs into whatever orientation your specific bike encourages. One thing I often find myself asking in the midst of the bustle for bikes is where are the best places to park these pedaled pals when they’re not in use. Here’s a list of some of the best locations I’ve found in my years on campus!

In the middle of the sidewalk 

Nowhere on campus is more convenient than right in the middle of the walkway! Especially on those quick in-and-out trips, parking your bike in the center of the sidewalk makes it easy to spot when you come back outside. It’s extra convenient if you set it to where other people have to go around it to assert your dominance and remind them that you’ll be out soon. 

In front of doorways

Even more labor-saving than the sidewalk is right in front of the entrances to buildings! This might be a little inconvenient for other students, but when you’re in a rush, who cares? All you have to do is run inside, do whatever you’re going to do, and avoid the annoyed masses of other people as you sit back on your bike and zoom away. 

In my dorm room

Sometimes I just don’t feel like having to find a bike every day, so I’ll lug it up the stairs and into my dorm room. There are a limited number of pirate bikes, after all. I usually leave it in my common space for weeks on end, waiting for the perfect day to use it and maybe lose it. With the bikes constantly circulating between students, it’s better to have one handy at home than have to find one.

On or near accessibility ramps 

No one uses them anyway 🙂 I don’t think I’ve never met a disabled student on campus who couldn’t use the staircase. Blocking off the ramps will also help to combat inactivity on campus by forcing people to use the stairs.

(BIG disclaimer here: I am disabled and often struggle to use stairs. We have a student organization, the Coalition for Chronic Illness, that makes space and advocates for chronically ill and disabled SU students. We do exist and we do deserve accessibility.)

Behind parked vehicles 

The parking lot is meant for all types of transportation, is it not? Setting up your bike between and behind cars is also an easy way to keep it out of sight from greedy bike users. An added bonus is that parking behind cars forces drivers to be more sustainable and save gas!

Serious note: It has been a recurring issue since Pirate bikes have been back on campus that students park them in front of (or on) accessibility ramps, entryways, and sidewalks. Navigating campus with a mobility aid, especially one with wheels, is already difficult enough without bikes carelessly strewn about. Please take a few extra seconds in your day to park the bikes in the grass, or just somewhere that won’t impede passage. It is a matter of accessibility and just common courtesy to other students. Happy April, and good luck with the rest of your semester!