Welcome to The Megaphone! I am Gerald and I’ll be your host for this evening. Tonight we are counting down our picks for the top seven political topics to mention at Thanksgiving Dinner:
7. Why The Mainstream Media Can’t Be Trusted (But The Megaphone Can)
It is evident that the mainstream media has become unreliable for accurate reporting and desirable content. This Thanksgiving, please let your relatives know that the news channels they watch are propaganda and that the only source that can be trusted is The Megaphone. As the best journalistic outlet located locally in Georgetown on the campus of Southwestern University— we have the resources and prestige to combat the narratives perpetuated by fake news. From The Washington Post referring to the terrorist ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi as an “austere religious scholar”, to the CNN conflict of interest between Governor Cuomo and his brother, and countless other examples. These fake news stories are the enemy of the American people and their failures validate the need for outlets that you can trust, such as The Megaphone.
6. The Need for an Ambivalent Third Party to Split the Vote
Republicans and Democrats alike have become so powerful that they monopolize the United States electoral system’s plurality-based single-member districts. This Thanksgiving, I challenge you to do your part to change this. The monopolizing aspect of our current political system has an effect on who voters are likely to support. Your family members likely firmly identify as either Republican or Democrat. However, you should try to lead them away by telling them the benefits of the ambivalent third party that you support instead. Sure, they may say: “There is no chance that the candidates in (insert political party) will actually get elected.” But at least you can act morally superior to the rest of your family this Thanksgiving. I’m sure they’ll really appreciate it.
5. Trade Policies of the Galactic Republic
Trade policies impact the free access to affordable goods. This subsequently increases economic growth and competitiveness, which is why it is unfair that Viceroy Nute Gunray’s Trade Federation had a blockade around Naboo. I urge you to take the opportunity of your family gathering to criticize the Trade Federation. Also, please express why the Star Wars Prequels are vastly superior to the original or sequel trilogies due to the ample presence and political realism offered by the franchise. Oh, and why Attack of the Clones is particularly a masterpiece in demonstrating the full capabilities of George Lucas’ universe. Both younger and older generations should find your solid basis for articulating this to be convincing that the original and sequel trilogies are indeed inferior.
4. Your Dream of an Anarco-Syndaclist Commune
As you feast around the round table, do not forget the undue repression you face as a civilian. Explain to your fellow diners that our government operates by unfairly exploiting the workers and that by hanging onto this system based upon outdated imperialist dogma– we are perpetuating the economic and social differences in our society. However, I understand that it will be difficult to explain to your family that we live in a self-perpetuating autocracy. So the best course of action is to explain your dream of an Anarco-Syndaclist commune. A place where citizens take weekly turns as an executive officer– where decisions are ratified through a simple majority at bi-weekly meetings.
3. Your Thoughts on Firearm Policy
Recent tragedies and legislation pertaining to firearms have made firearm policy a hot-button issue. Which makes it perfect for discussing at Thanksgiving! Normies (those who believe in status quo political beliefs) may wish to regulate types of firearms further or support the second amendment. You have a more nuanced take on this issue. For example, if you believe in the legalization of recreational nuclear weapons. You could tell your family about how you think the state has had a monopoly on violence for too long. Then you should try to convince them that the free market is the best method of deciding who should be capable of nuclear warfare.
2. How You Know at Least One Person at Thanksgiving Dinner is a Fed
The Federal Government has amassed a significant surveillance state to monitor its own citizens. Therefore, there is reason to conclude that one of your relatives isn’t just likely to be a Fed– it is a guarantee that one of them is. That’s right. Aunt Dorthy, Grandma, or maybe even your cousin Franky… They will inform Uncle Sam of all of your greatest political takes at Thanksgiving Dinner. Just be careful that they don’t sneak a coup d’etat into your stuffing. And if you’re a journalist be particularly skeptical if your CIA relative attempts to give you an award for excellence in journalism…
1. Why You Committed Voter Fraud this Midterm
With the ongoing skepticism relating to the integrity of elections, it is good to talk about how you fulfilled your civic duty. That is: to commit voter fraud this midterm election. Since the results were predetermined anyway– you felt obligated to commit voter fraud. You know, it was an obligation to ensure that the outcome of the election was un-frauded through voter fraud. In order to eloquently introduce this topic, casually wear your “I Committed Voter Fraud” sticker. Which you got at the polling place, of course, and watch as your family members are impressed by your growing sense of civic responsibility.